Breaking down ESPN’s Who’s Now Bracket (aka Worthless Bracketology): Round 1
An idea that was clearly created in the marketing rooms (”Hey, they like brackets, they like athletes, let’s make something with both those for the summer!”), in an effort to artificially manufacture news, ESPN’s running a tournament to determine “Who’s Now”. What’s the criteria or the logic behind it? Who knows! But they’ve got fancy graphics and legitimate commentators like Mike Wilbon completely selling out and taking it seriously, so that’s gotta count for something.
MICHAEL JORDAN BRACKET
July 1: (1) Tiger Woods vs (8) Matt Leinart
While Woods has recently been accused of using performance enhancing drugs, Leinart has dehanced his performance by sleeping with Paris Hilton, yet he’s still a rising star. Leinart with the upset.
July 2: (4) Dwyane Wade vs (5) Shaun White
One has boned Lindsay Lohan, the other likes to hang out with fat guys like Charles Barkley and Shaq. Also, Shaun White’s nickname is the Flying Tomato. Wade’s is “*Whistle* Shooting two.” The Tomater advances.
July 3: (2) LaDainian Tomlinson vs (7) David Beckham
THIS IS THE REAL FOOTBALL VERSUS FUTBOL. Beckham’s pretty cool, but he also probably has sex with Tom Cruise. The worst Tomlinson has done is steal someone else’s nickname and complain about the Patriots, which makes him no different from you or I. Going with LDT.
July 4: (3) Steve Nash vs (6) Serena Williams
If this were a pie-eating contest or a bench press contest, you’d have to take Serena. But her Barbaro-like build will not stop the Great White Hope from advancing on the 4th of July…even though he’s not American, I think Canada Day’s around the same time.
MUHAMMAD ALI BRACKET
July 5: (1) Peyton Manning vs (8) Amanda Beard
Manning needs a beard to hide his relationship with Kenny Chesney, Amanda is a Beard. Also, she looks kind of old and like she’s made of crown molding and that Playboy shoot was an artistic jerk-off. Go with the Doofus.
July 6: (4) Dale Earnhardt Jr vs (5) Chuck Liddell
You got knocked the fuck out, Liddell. That said, you’re the only UFC guy here, so I’m casting a vote for you over the redneck, but it’s really for the phenomenally and delightfully insane Quinton “Rampage” Jackson.
July 7: (2) Alex Rodriguez vs (7) Terrell Owens
Who cares. A-Rod’s playing well, relishing in the Yankee mediocrity. T.O. can’t catch now, for whatever reason. They’re both ruining my favorite teams, but at least one is playing well, so go with the one that has the lip gloss of a Bratz doll.
July 8: (3) Kobe Bryant vs (6) Ronaldinho
I know of your Ronaldinho. But I don’t care. Rapey McSurly advances.
BILLIE JEAN KING BRACKET
July 9: (1) LeBron James vs (8) Kelly Slater
I like John from Cincinnati. That said, a surfer will not beat the overhype machine, King James. We are all witnesses to many years of Finals sweeps.
July 10: (4) Jeff Gordon vs (5) Barry Bonds
Jeff Gordon goes vroom. Barry Bonds has other men rub creams on him to make his muscles grow. And his mistress has Shrek’s hands.
July 11: (2) Derek Jeter vs (7) Sidney Crosby
Sidney Crosby plays lacrosse I think, but Derek Jeter, what have you done for me lately? You’re noticeably quiet now that times aren’t so good. Crosby, take your crew team and advance to the next round.
July 12: (3) Reggie Bush vs (6) Danica Patrick
A woman driver? Bah.
BABE RUTH BRACKET
July 13: (1) Tom Brady vs (8) David Ortiz
Ha in your face Boston. One of your idols is going down in the first round of this entirely meaningless tournament. Going with the Dreamboat over King Kong because, let’s be honest, which one do you want to see receive the nude photo shoot that the winner of this tournament gets? (I think that’s the point of this, right?)
July 14: (4) Maria Sharapova vs (5) Vince Young
One can’t read, the other has a sweet ass. That may be too vague. I never liked that Madden commercial where Vince Young said he was doubted all his life. He went #3. Because he was functionally retarded. And he was the favorite to be Rookie of the Year for some. Meanwhile, Sharapova gives a mean BJ, trust me.
July 15: (2) Roger Federer vs (7) Tony Parker
Boring. Also why does Tony Parker make this but Tim Duncan doesn’t? I mean, like, ESPN covers sports right? I’m not saying I like Tim Duncan and yes, Tony Parker’s dating a hot celebrity woman, but like…Tim Duncan’s one of the top 10 players of all time. Because of that, I’ll go with that tennis guy I don’t know too well.
July 16: (3) Shaquille O’Neal vs (6) Michael Phelps
Shaq helps fat kids on a TV show. Why has no one seen the fault in this? Does his regimen involve “Sit around and eat ho-hos”? Or does he have them do really rigorous things while he drinks blended lard mixed with ice cream (a sweet beverage he calls his Muscle Moo Juice)? Either way, going with the Round Mound of Self-Promotion.
So there we have it…all the picks you should be making for this most inconsequential tournament. Let the completely unimportant games begin with a ceremonial lighting of Stuart Scott’s left eye! And, of course, your predictions always welcome in the comments (HINT HINT COMMENT)
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June 30th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
Dude…Leinart over Woods? Get real…Woods may be juicing but he’s still married to a 10 and the greatest golfer ever. Leinart can’t even throw that well.
June 30th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
A woman driver? Bah.
You sonofabitch…
June 30th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
A woman driver….BAH!!!!!!
July 1st, 2007 at 5:38 pm
Go fuck ur mother
July 1st, 2007 at 5:45 pm
I think you’re missing the point Bob. We’ve moved onto women being unable to drive. BAH!
July 2nd, 2007 at 5:38 pm
Peyton will wrap this event easily!!!
July 3rd, 2007 at 11:40 pm
peyton is a fucking moron
July 3rd, 2007 at 11:43 pm
eric your mom is hot
July 5th, 2007 at 12:28 am
So LT beats the biggest star in all of soccer. So one plays REAL futbol and the other plays american football. So LT hit up the roids and had ONE good year in his whole career and won ONE mvp award. Shaun Alexander hit the same drugs, did the same bullshit TD record (which will be broken every year) and look what happened, he fizzled. LT is garbage comapred to the king of British tabloids. just cause the panel was made up of racist faggots like stuart scott and the blackest panther of all stephne a smith LT has to win? Keyshawn Johnson didnt even know who Shawn White was but he voted for Dwayne Wade cause he liked his spinnas on his Hummer. fucking rascists. you stupid egotistical american sports loving fat bastards need a little education on sports and culture. It gets no bigger in the world than soccer. and woth soccer Beckham is one the biggest names. LT won one MVP award and broke a record that will be broken many times again and appeared on the espys and Sport Illustrated for kids. Beckham is photoed daily along with his prized model and spice girl wife. He’s coming to American to try and save soccer, AND he makes double the money than LT both salary and indorsements and doesnt waste them on bling for his teeth or any other bullshit. wake up idiots.
July 5th, 2007 at 12:52 am
so the next big upset now that LT won will be #3 seed Kobe Bryant vs #6 Ronaldinho
One is a rapist that cheats on his wife and has his team-mate traded to break up a dynasty so he can score more then cries for a trade himself cause he cant carry the Jordan comparison on his back anymore.
The other is the best Soccer player in the world and has won the player of the year award twice. thats out of 100,000 players world wide. (not a couple hundred like the NBA)
also found this,
“Ronaldinho has surpassed David Beckham as the most marketable player in the world, generating $57.8 million dollars annually, though still trails Beckham in estimated yearly income.”
so he’s the “most marketable player in the world”.
SO tell me again why Kobe will beat him in a popularity bracket?
July 5th, 2007 at 7:40 am
Call me crazy, but I think you like soccer, Mark
The reality is that this tournament is just kind of a big circlejerk for ESPN and American athletes. Beckham probably should have won based on the criteria and that LT’s kind of bland, but Kobe will win because he’s won of the more polarizing athletes in history, both pre-rape trial and post-rape trial in addition to being one of the best basketball players in history (at least best scorers).
You’re absolutely right though, the tourney’s a fraud, ESPN’s fans have no regard for international exploits. Some of your points are kind of hostile though.
July 6th, 2007 at 12:25 am
I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but whoever made these picks is most likely a white supremacist. not so much racist but defenitaly a supremacist. The subconsious can be so sad, so sad
July 8th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
the soccer players lose because most of the voters are from the US and us Americans dont give a shit about soccer. =)
July 9th, 2007 at 10:45 am
ummm not saying anything but chad johnson not in the bracket downvan mcnabb ? Ryan howard cmon ryan howard was nl mvp last year atleast give him a 8 seed and let him in over someone and why is reggie in their wat did he prove he can run 700 yds and get 6 tds woah thats alot we should sure put him in their i know it was his rookie year but cmon get him out of their and where is barry bonds i mean i hate him but put him in this cmon hes going to break hank arrons record atleast do something i hate barry bonds but he should be in this . And ronaldino is not going to be kobe ronadinyo is some mexican with crooked teeth andi didnt even hear of ronalidihno till like a year ago against some guy kobe bryant ive kwown of since 1999 and 1 scorer in the nba get real ronaldino needs to go take a huge shit on his bed lay in it fix his teeth win another championship come to the us maybe so he gets a lil more attention from americans then he might beat kobe? and wat the hell is up with shaq in their i mean not trying to be mean but shaq dosent deserver to be in their he didnt even have that great so a year who ever set up these brackeets go stick a banna up ur ass cause u dont know ship this brackket is useless and dumb cause it dosent have the right people in and where is troy palaomaulo idc if i spelled it wrong but cmon hes on of the best saftiest in the leage and no champ bailey ? cmon hes the best back in the leage well goodbye assholes and retards have a nice time deciding whos gonna win this fucked up brackket
July 10th, 2007 at 6:22 am
Holy crap, half of the people you just mentioned don’t even exist. Pick a way to spell Ronaldinho’s name wrong and stick with it already. Champ Bailey? Troy Polamalu? WTF are you going on about. If this was the “Best DBs in the NFL” bracket they might be involved. Clearly this isn’t the best thought out idea in the history of ESPN, but I’m actually surprised they didn’t just overload it with football and basketball players. They are trying to incorporate people from less popular sports, no one cares about them, but they are trying. Troy Polamalu? Keep waiting for that “Most popular player on the Steelers” Bracket, he might get the two seed there.
July 10th, 2007 at 7:40 am
Jeez, other than Some Dude, did the Fanhouse get lost and find its way to my comments?
July 14th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
At least they could have good matchups, like Pacman Jones vs. Ron Artest.
Their choice of athletes is stupid. Soccer is not now, so therefore soccer players should be eliminated by default. Same with Lacrosse, Woman’s olympic breastroking, and most of the other washed up, close to retiring athletes they chose.
Its too bad athletes careers are so short. I really dont want to watch keyshawn on espn for the next 20 years. They should just take all the crappy athlete “analysts” out and put them on their own show. Then they could broadcast that show to retarded people.
July 15th, 2007 at 8:05 am
Of all the dumb things ESPN has done over the years, this is by far the dumbest. I can understand the likes of Stuart Scott hosting this tripe, but Michael Wilbon? He used to be a respected journalist, but in recent years he caught an advanced case of ESPNitis, which turned him into a prima donna. He should be expecting any day a shipment from Bristol, CN, his ballet slippers, leotards, and fru frus.
July 15th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Real talk im sorry to offend some people(mark) but are you fucking retarded since when is soccer a now sport. dude if one thing you dont know about the USA we only care about ourselves so what if the fairy is the biggest star over there the point is he is over there. and i’ll show u how lame he is. He’s gonna get 250 mil to do nothing. thanks for pointing all he does is look pretty and get photoed all day he is shit he cant play he isnt even half as good as ronaldhino. all he does all day is look like a sweet lookin piece of jail rape ass lol and for u to diss my man LT about he is using steroids you stupid and that record will not be broken again not until his protege reggie bush gets settled. then u talk about upsetting kobe wit ronaldhino are you an immigrant i think your greencard is suspect son. KOBE is the best basketball player alive right now. not that great of a guy, adulterer and etc but dude has fuckin skill. He’s just a beast any team he goes to it’s back to dynasty talk. and it’s not that ronaldhino isnt nice he just isnt as big as kobe right now. give him some time. BUT beckHAM. u treat him like he should be the Anti-Christ. Ronald is way better than him period.
July 16th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
this is demb as fuck. i bet ur mom gives good bjs bitch.
July 17th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
wow, mark u are retarted. im sure LT’s on the roids. hes never failed a drug test, so u lose that argument. and obviously ur just a bias criticizer that only reads headlines, because if you really were a sports fan u would know that LT has been outstainding his whole career, even behind a shitty line in the beginning of his career. he just never had the media until his team went 14-2 and he had a “record breaking” season. Beckham on the otherhand, is not the best of his sport, unlike LT. the only reason he gets so much attention is b/c hes one of the better english soccer players and is good looking. when in reality hes over the hump and is fading. LT is young and talented, and obvously ur retarted b/c the last time the touchdown record got broken before alexander was like in the 80’s. and who gives a shit if soccer is more popular in the rest of the world. ESPN is american, and so is the whos now tournament, so the more popular american sport will get more votes. the only reason soccer is so popular in the rest of the world is b/c alot of the people in foreign countries a) dont know what american football is and b) cant afford to play it. people that live in poverty can afford to play soccer b/c all u need is a ball..or something in the shape of one.
basically to sum up everything i just said: your a retard.
July 21st, 2007 at 3:28 pm
hell yes..
leinart over woods.
fuck golf
bring it home maria!
July 25th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
chris ur a dumb ass
July 25th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
if anyone knew anything then you all would know that devin hester or brian urlacher owned who’s now seeing how they were both dominate all season dumbasses
July 26th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
This show sucks period.
July 28th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
okay.your all pissin me off. first of all, half of you need to go back to english class, because the only person who can read that is a bald retarded albino named after the worlds oldest Yugoslavian playing the drums while hanging upside down. David Beckham can kiss my hairy ass. No one in america gives any of my jizz about soccer. WE watch football, and basketball, and baseball. YOU can go make your own, and shove it up your ass. Second, LeBron should do good in this, because of what he did in the Conference finals against Detroit. Third, Tiger Woods should lose to Maria Sharapovas grandma in this thing, because he plays a sport that old fat people do when they can’t accomplish any thing else.
July 28th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
lol. Pure genius. though Dwayne Wade should win it
August 29th, 2007 at 4:25 am
most of these matches r so gay and most people shouldnt be up there but deal with it fuck heads! u dont always like the president so just shut up u little fudge packers and pull ur heads out of ur asses and get a life!
January 8th, 2008 at 1:14 am
i love these fat kids that talk on blogs that think they know things about sports cause someone dunks a ball or has spinnas on their hummer. your all idiots. I see LT has done really well again, or wait, he didnt. and did anyone know roger clemens did roids 5 years ago. no, he was still the best pitcher ever back then, now look you morons. when the NFL cracks donw on HGH in 5 years, these rats like LT will face the music too. of cours ei know more about football and basketball then all of the idiots combined that replied on this loser website, my point was the nonsense of the ESPN popularity poll with the most popular sport and athletes in the WORLD not getting nay chance due to fat and stupid american voters like yourselves reading this, who dont know about all the great sports around the world that require real endurance and skill and dont nee dsteriods to win. Soccer is better so shut the fuck up losers.